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Atu VI, The Lovers, Thoth Tarot |
The writings of Sir Shumule should come with a kit including a bong, a thesaurus, and a side airbag. – Le Filou Scrupuleux
Dear friends, beautiful and happy people,
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
It is the 16th day of the Thelemic Holy Season, during which we traditionally meditate on the Qabalistic Mystery of the Path of Zayin, that is, the VIth Tarot Trump, attributed to the zodiac sign of Gemini and called “The Lovers.”
The card represents the celebration of a marriage — more precisely, a heterosexual marriage (no implication on my part, I’m totally in favor of same-sex marriage as long as both girls are hot), and, visibly, an interracial union (and that doesn’t bother me: anything that, near or far, evokes the person of Kim Kardashian is good and fine in itself.)
(Yea! I’d sacrifice a whole hecatomb of average taxpayers to spare Kim Kardashian from breaking a single nail.)
Now, a bit of anthropology.
I’ve long studied the customs of primitive peoples where the Law of Thelema has not yet replaced the < crapulous creeds > (AL 3, 54) of the Old Aeon, and I can testify that in heathen lands, among the < mad folk in the grey land of desolation > (Liber Lapidis Lazuli 3, 20), — that is, outside the radiant land of Thelema, — there are two types of marriage:
Those where I’m a witness, and those where I’m not.
The marriages where I wasn’t a witness never caused me the slightest problem: like everyone else, I’d kill time during the mayor’s speech imagining myself tumbling the bride in a corner right after the ceremony while her husband roamed the garden party asking if anyone had seen his wife, and that was that.
The last time I was a witness, however, ended in a little spat — here’s how:
The morning after the orgiastic bachelor party night for my friend S., — held, precisely, in my bachelor pad, — a stripper friend dropped the business card of an ultra-luxury, confidential “Asian Spa” in front of me and said, — when I gallantly picked up the card to hand it back to her, — that she didn’t care “because they don’t have masseurs, only masseuses.”
I pocketed that document, then coldly skipped the wedding to go get my energy centers and the rest manipulated by expert oriental nymphs — S. held a grudge against me for years — His wife still refuses to speak to me — Those were the good old days.
Marriages without a Gnostic Mass hold, in my opinion, little interest, except perhaps for the engagements that precede them, where sometimes real fun can be had.
Thus, I recall taking part, in the Yvelines, in 2009 e.v., — I was so frivolous back then! — in typical old-fashioned French engagements, and meticulously recording the proceedings of those festivities in the text that follows, which I now share with you in English, hoping it infuses a bit of French wisdom into the rather down-to-earth idea my Anglo-Saxon friends generally have of the institution of marriage:
A Testicle in the Soup
Dazed and Confused in Le Vésinet
Yesterday, I attended an engagement party where I was all the more bored because the necessity of showing up forced me to postpone a date with the future mother of my future children, and thus to fall out spectacularly with her — an engagement, in short, that cost me my own…
I’d first decided to make the most of my disappointment by testing the proverb “unlucky in love, lucky at cards,” and spent Saturday morning fleecing my friends (now ex-friends) at Courchevel Limit.
Then, at 2 p.m., coldly pocketing their stacks, I folded my six-foot frame into a taxi and sped off to Le Vésinet.
A relatively pleasant ride. The driver’s life story, as told by him, nicely drowned out the Quebecois songs on the radio — and this man drove with rare frenzy. I don’t know what we kept bouncing over — probably the backs of elderly ladies — but well before La Défense, I ended up with a bowl cut from ricocheting around the cab like a Chistera ball.
Anyway, my morale was unshakable: I was in the ecstatic euphoria well-known to poker players who’ve just cleaned out the table — My personal satisfaction coefficient was, of course, lower than it would’ve been if, at that moment, I’d been at my missed date, proving to the woman of my life how deeply she moves me — but it nearly matched what I felt during my last Hold’em tournament win… What a night, gods and goddesses!... The director of the Aviation Club de France had flatly asked me: “What are you going to do with all that money?” and I’d replied: “Find a killer Money Domme and give it to her.” It was a joke, but my winnings vanished almost as fast as if I’d actually found one!
Arrival: Right at the gate, Anne-Claire de T. pities me for coming to bore myself here. Anne-Claire is an ex. We hated each other when we were together (our first night ended at the police station, you get the type…), and we’ve adored each other since we broke up. She’s like a blonde Javan black panther. Very pretty, very pianist, very equestrian, with sometimes orange glints in her eyes that are anything but reassuring. She’s what you’d call a temperament.
We proceed to the combat zone.
Lots of shoulders and plenty of legs, not to mention the accessories.
The fiancée is, admittedly, a bit pretentious, but so tacky! Anyway, the fiancé is ugly: it’s always like that when you buy them.
We decide to get sloshed. I contemplate the meticulous Cuba Libre in my hand, thinking that, already high on endorphins from my poker win, I should start levitating after the first sip.
An extremely elegant couple approaches us.
“They say you know a thing or two about astrology,” the woman says, with a rich, deep voice.
“Oh, just a few notions…” I reply.
“Here’s the thing: my daughter just had a baby, a Gemini… What advice do you give for a Gemini boy?”
“I’d say… make the most of it while it lasts, boy!… because after that, it’s school, career, retirement, and bye-bye… Also, my Gemini friend, as soon as you’re born, hightail it to Saint-Tropez to party with your celebrity pals! Plus, May-June is the perfect time to hit Saint-Tropez…”
The husband bursts out laughing.
“Anyway,” he says, “astrology’s bullshit…”
Another lady, much older than the first, turns to me, thinking I made the remark, and asks:
“What’s bullshit?”
“Well,” I reply, “you know Saint-Tropez, the sea, the girls, all that?…”
“Uh, yes…”
“Well, everything else is bullshit.”
Tainted Love. Anne-Claire and I dance. A lot. It’s the nine-minute mix, traditionally dreaded by all young girls in high heels — Barely a warm-up for Anne-Claire, whose shoes are positively vertiginous…
Coming back from powdering my nose, I witness a hilarious scene in a hallway… The head of the household is fussing around a tall, thin man… It seems there’s been what’s called in France “a testicle in the soup”… and they’d accidentally invited an undersecretary from some cabinet tied to a ministry very much related to the Tax Office… He’s a standard ÉNA grad who doesn’t seem to notice his governmental presence is making the host nervous, and he’s observing a painting: “Oh, it’s a little Renoir…” — “Surely a student of Renoir, surely!!!” our host hastens to say…
Speaking of painting, Anne-Claire is glued to a Picasso.
A-C: “The idea is she’s facing forward and in profile?”
Me: “Yes. Like Rossy de Palma.”
A-C: “Hey, do you have a piece of paper? I need to jot down the number of a guy who’s hot as a god, but my phone’s dead…”
(I tear a page from my planner)
Me: “Here, the 20th arrondissement map, we’ll never go there anyway…”
Finally, we decide that no good company lasts forever, that we’ve done enough for honor, and that it’s time to withdraw.
“But the ring??? We can’t leave without seeing the ring!!!”
We skillfully maneuver to corner the fiancée and ask, in our most chirpy tone, if “we can see the ring” — Immediately, with haughtiness, the tacky girl shoves her left hand under our noses… And there… a pull-tab ring… a Mattel accessory… a jewel you wouldn’t bend down to pick up if you found it on the ground… Mega-embarrassment… I burst out laughing, while Anne-Claire congratulates her and tells her not to “pay attention to this big [idiot],” who “knows nothing about high-end jewelry brands” and has “no taste”…
My laughter turns convulsive from the pent-up nerves… Anne-Claire drags me outside like an old drunk and, taking pity, decides to drive me back to Paris.
I manage to stop giggling stupidly around Chatou, city of the Impressionists, and am perfectly dignified again by the time we reenter the City of Light.
That’s what I call a thoroughly wasted Saturday, but in a rather painless way.
— Sir Shumule, July 12, 2009 e.v.
Moral of the story: People always oppose the institution of marriage to the follies of youth, and they’re wrong: divorced MILF Kim Kardashian is the hottest Kim Kardashian, which tends to prove that marriage and youth are as overrated as each other.
Meditating on this, go forth, dear friends, under the protection of that spiritual sphere whose center is everywhere and circumference nowhere, which we call GOD.
Warm kisses from the Bahamas.
Love is the law, love under will.
— ☉︎ in 14° ♈︎ : ☽︎ in 5° ♋︎ : ♀︎ : Ⅴⅹⅰ.