Note: At the general request, here is the English translation of the legendary letter I sent (with recorded delivery) from Moulins-Yzeure prison to Judge Aurélie Mahé in 2023 ev, shortly after my first-instance hearing and while awaiting her verdict.
Open Letter from Sir Shumule to Madame Judge Mahé, Presiding Judge of the Cusset Criminal Court
Bora-Bora, 11 July 2023 e.v.
Madame le Juge,
Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
This is to formally express my gratitude for having invited me last Thursday to such a truly fabulous hearing.
It was a resounding success.
Being charged with “glorification of cocaine” is ultra-cool and sexy — regardless of the fact that your services didn’t even bother to put a single text of mine actually glorifying cocaine into the case file: the wording of the charge itself is furiously funky, and that’s all that matters in my eyes.
Of course, one might regret that you felt obliged to try to give some substance to this (therefore) non-case by digging up four of my former disciples — rejected by me and now seeking the revenge of dismissed lackeys — and dressing them up as “civil parties”.
(Just for the record:
The unfortunate Adriano “Jinx” Angeletti, a bewildered homeless man to whom I would gladly have tossed a few coins had my status as a detainee not prevented me — alas!
The unfortunate Aurélien “Walking Blowjob” Brunon, a whining, boring dwarf who physically started sobbing, bent over the bar with his arse in the air — and as you are well aware, Madame le Juge, body language speaks louder than any words.
The unfortunate Anne-Sophie Dos Santos, a welfare case who defected from her native trailer park and now works as a “care assistant for the elderly” — I’ve no doubt Anne-Sophie is far better suited to that job than to hermeneutics, and I wish her interesting bedpans to wipe.
The unfortunate Pauline “Used Kleenex” Brunon, who ought rather to sue whoever did her hair like that on Thursday.
You must admit, Madame le Juge, that this was hardly a dazzling cast, and for my part I had flushed these people down the toilet long ago…)
But enough of these substitutes! Let us rise above it all.
I owe you, Madame le Juge, the chance to once again behold,
for a few precious hours, the sublime person of my divine wife Chloé — and since she is the most beautiful woman in the world, nothing else matters: I declare myself your eternal debtor.
(What am I saying? I even forgive Maître Falco for attacking me after having sworn on her life to Maître Szpiega that she would say nothing against me: Maître Falco is a nasty little liar, as the length of her nose already suggested. #Pinocchio)
Yes, you have my full gratitude, whatever your verdict may be, for allowing me to breathe for a moment near the one who holds my heart. Freedom without my wife means nothing to me — as I had the honour of declaring to Mr Miraoui (a third-world Cheeto in human form who played at being our investigating magistrate) and to Mrs Simon (the militant Catholic OCRVP officer — a bargain-basement Kamala Harris who looks like she works the checkout at a Vierzon supermarket — who pursued us with her sectarian hatred).
A thousand thanks, therefore!!!
And forgive me for not really knowing how to answer your vulgar question about my (I quote) “future sources of income” — it’s a question I have never asked myself. I know nothing about money: I simply throw it out the window and watch it fall.*
As for what comes next…
Well! Not one of your remarks during the hearing was anything other than violently prosecutorial and completely biased — I don’t see why that would change on 3 August. Go ahead — have fun!
Love is the law, love under will.
– Sir Shumule
*Yes, my students support me financially… For once, it’s not the taxpayers footing the bill. A man has his pride…
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